Do You Like Marching Bands?

Or, as the author likes to call it, the strangest way anyone has avoided having sex in human history.

So E had just broken up with someone. Someone they described as “hot and unpredictable.” So E’s like, "I'm going to date someone that’s totally boring and predictable." Enter F, wearing salmon shorts. They meet for coffee, and F is a bit of a bore, but E is a little vulnerable and going through a slut phase, like many before them.

They end up spending two hours at the coffee shop. During this time, F does not mention marching bands once. F sips on a cappuccino. E is bored. They later say that F looked like the “you know I had to do it to ‘em” kid. They decide to take a leap, and invite F back to their apartment for sex. F agrees, and they take a train to E’s apartment.

When they get back to E’s apartment, F is less enthused about sex. Which to be clear, is not a crime. It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to have sex with someone. The weird thing that F does do, is start talking about marching bands. Like, a lot of marching band talk. Too much for a date. To be clear, the right amount of marching band talk on a date that is between two people who are not in a marching band is none at all.

F pulls out their cell phone, and starts playing a video for E of a marching band. Not like a college marching band, a high school marching band. So, as you can imagine, it was bad marching band performances. A bunch of sweaty teenagers struggling to walk in formation while they play Flight of the Bumblebee.

Each clip is about ten minutes long, but every time one ends, he starts another. All kinds of marching band performances happen. They play classical compositions, oldies, goldies, at one point there’s a Beyonce song.