Cicadas: Unrevealed

WRITTEN BY SLOANE MURPHY
ILLUSTRATIONS BY KATELYN MCMANIS
DESIGN BY BRI ELLIOTT + JESS PISTONE

Cicadas. A mystery in our modern age. What do they do, in their years in the dirt? We had to know. Frank Magazine has spent the last four years conducting a secret investigation into the society of cicadas. It’s taken a lot of long nights, and our reporters have received threats and criticism. But we feel it’s important to publish good, brave journalism here at Frank. So, we are publishing cicadas unrevealed. Pay attention if any of us get car bombed, like the Panama Papers lady. Frank is a little scared about Cicada retribution.

Cicada Cast

At the beginning of Frank’s research into cicadas, we learned something immediately interesting. As it turns out, cicadas decided at an early point in their culture that audio content was superior to visual content. The cicada podcast boom has revolutionized the cicada audio industry, giving jobs to plenty of otherwise unemployable cicadas. One of the most popular podcasts among the younger cicadas is Cicada Scare. Hosted by two young cicada women, Cicada Scare is a proud member of the dirtbag cicada leftist movement, who despise the identity politics of young cicada leftists, and maintain that the class struggle is the only real struggle they have. Their ideology is hard to parse, as most of their statements are covered in layer after layer of irony. Cicadas favor a very dry sense of humor. The two young women invite criticism from both sides of the aisle, with leftists worried about their constant jokes about trans cicadas, and the right being generally terrified of any cicada that calls themself a socialist. But we can’t really do Cicada Scare justice, so we’ve included a link to an episode of the Cicada Scare podcast, which is available to listen to below.

DIRT ARTIST CICADA

Cicadas are artists. This is a truth America has always known. One of the mothers of a Frank writer calls them nature’s musicians, and she thinks that’s sweet. But not all cicadas choose to make music. Frank Magazine caught up with legendary dirt artist Michael Checada. Checada, who has sworn off using his legs to make music, has instead opted to communicate through elaborate dirt art. What follows is our conversation with Checada, and a collection of his challenging art, which deals with the recent uprising of Cicadas against President Cicada George Bush.

FRANK MAGAZINE: Michael, thank you for being here.

Michael Checada takes a moment. Actually, it’s more like two hours as the tiny bug paints on his small easel, using the dirt around him instead of paint. “Hello, I’m happy to be here.” It takes a while, and Frank Magazine’s reporter has to sit down on the ground. She stays in this position for the rest of the interview, which took about thirteen hours.

FRANK MAGAZINE: Michael, what do you think humans could get out of your art, given that you are a cicada?

Michael Checada draws a picture on his easel that Frank Magazine’s reporter cannot parse, but she’s sure it has a pretty intense meaning.

FRANK MAGAZINE: I can’t even articulate that, how powerful. Michael, I eventually have to sleep, so I’ll ask you, is there anything you’d like to tell Frank’s readers?

Michael Checada takes about two more hours and writes Free Palestine on his easel.

Poetry Slams

Cicadas, when they aren’t overthrowing the government, or doing podcasts, or making dirt art, or watching Cicada-Maury, apparently adore poetry. Frank Magazine tried to attend one of their slam poetry nights, but they wouldn’t let us in. They looked us up and down, blew a little cigarette smoke in our faces, and told us we weren’t “real” enough to hear the cicada poetry. It devastated us, to come so close to famed cicada poets like Elizabeth Barret Six Legs, Prothorax Kipling, and Pablo Naruto, but not hear their work. We did manage to find this sick flyer though, we hope you enjoy that and have a nice time thinking about how cicadas would snap

WHO’S THE FATHER?

The following is a transcript from the most popular show on cicada television, which is obviously less popular than Cicada Scare.

STEVE “THE BUG” WILKOS
Tonight, Jerry finds out who’s the father.

CICADA, BUT ONE WHOSE NAME IS JERRY
Tonight, we talk to Lindsay, Jacob and Mark. Lindsay was dating Mark, and they fell on hard times. While Lindsay was going through this, she slept with Mark’s stepbrother Jacob.

THE CROWD
OH!!!! NO!!!!

CJ
And now, Lindsay has twenty-four recently hatched children. All we want to know is who is the father? Her Husband? Or her Husband’s stepbrother?

LINDSAY
I found out that Mark was cheating on me, and I was devastated. Then I made the biggest mistake of my life and slept with Jacob. I am praying that Mark is the father of my twenty-four children, because we’re all going to die very soon.

CJ
So who’s to blame here?

LINDSAY
Me, and both of the boys.

CJ
Well, we’ve got both of those boys, please welcome them.

Two cicadas walk out, scuffling with each other. The crowd is booing them

MARK
Those are my twenty-four children Jerry! I raised them! I’ve been there from the day they were born, I've been there till I die.

JACOB
No! They’re my twenty-four children. Lindsay has manipulated me. Look at this picture, Lindsay. They have my thorax, all of them!

LINDSAY
Sit down Jacob, this is not true. You haven’t paid for anything for these kids.

JACOB
I love you, Lindsay. I want to raise these children.

MARK
Then where have you been?

The male cicadas begin rubbing their legs angrily at each other.

CJ
We took a DNA test, and Mark, YOU are the father of Lindsay's 24 children!!

The cicadas scutter around in excitement.

MARK
You’ve made me so happy over the last two weeks Lindsay. I forgive you.

LINDSAY
I forgive you too, Lindsay.

All of the cicadas then die, because they’ve been above ground and mating for two weeks, which is their entire life span above ground. It is very disturbing but makes for great television.

FIN.

There you have it. Frank magazine has officially revealed cicadas. We expect many awards for this hard-hitting serious journalism. We’d like to thank God, the Devil, and witches and warlocks everywhere.